28

Today is my birthday. I am 28 now. I tried to recall what I expected from my then-future 28 year old self, but it’s a strange age: I had a vision about the 25 year old Dóra, and about the 30 year old Dóra, but the years in between seemed to be just some kind of transition. And I was a bit right: I feel like I don’t have to ask myself “Am I in the right place?” what I did at the age of 25, but I have to ask “Am I progressing towards the right direction?”. Moreover “Am I progressing at all?”.

A few years ago I always analyzed in myself where I was, the place I took in the world at the moment. Back then I lived in the feeling of immortal youth, when you can’t sense the passing of time, the “growing older”, and you are in the illusion of having time left for everything anyway.

But today I am more aware of those obvious bottom lines that are known by everyone but we tend to not internalize them when we are young. That our desired future is not the fruit of just daydreaming and “one day later”-s, but the result of a lot of planning, replanning, work, failure, small successes and persistency. It’s so easy to procrastinate! But if we never stop then we also never get further and reach our goals.

Last year I realized how much waits for processing in my soul. And I am not alone with this. My friends in similar age (and life situation) all found themselves in some kind of inner dilemma. We spend our days very similarly for years, and in the shade of the hard but meanwhile oddly safe and familiar weekdays we can’t find enough time and energy to work on and care about ourselves. This becomes more and more frustrating, and leaves a deeper and deeper mark on how one’s feeling. After a while you can’t keep on ignoring it.

I don’t believe that the turn of a year in the calendar or of your age changes anything, but these days are when I can ask myself what should be asked. The questions that are a bit scary, because I can’t give myself the answers I would like to.

If you, who is reading this, are beset by doubts and stuck somewhere in your life, and you feel like you are alone in this, I want you to know: you are not alone, and your feelings are totally normal. <3